Here I am promoting, embracing and preserving family, your legacy, your heritage and… I neglected my own.
On May 19th, 2009, my mom passed away in her sleep. She was only 60 years old. Yes, she was still young. Was it unexpected? Yes and no. She had been on dialysis for nearly 15 years… that is about the average life span of someone on dialysis. Did I know this? Probably. I think it was mostly denial on my part.
When she was first diagnosed with kidney failure, she had the option of getting on a transplant list. She did not want to. She said she did not want to risk of organ rejection and taking the pills every day for the rest of her life. It was a hard decision to swallow when we first heard her share it – but the decision was hers to make – not ours. And she began her treatments with great strength and devotion. She drove to her treatments, she followed her diet and as time went on, she remarked how some people who had started on dialysis and got transplants, ended up back on dialysis because they did not take care or went back to bad habits. So she was doing good and I was proud of my mom!
In 1999, she had a bad scare and they had to medi-vac her to Oahu, where the medical facilities were more eqiupped to handle her condition. Her heart rate was alarmingly low. I left my new job and career to go back home and stay with her. Well, she got better and reluctantly I moved back to AZ. Two years later, I found her a good kidney specialist and my parents moved to AZ.
Over the years, she became more and more frail. ER visits were frequent – for various things. Bad reactions to new pills doctors gave to her, pneumonia, congestive heart failure but she always bounced back – and alwayswith a smile and her famous sense of humor. She stopped having the energy to go places with us and for a while there spent a good amount a time sleeping… but she was still strong and had her wits and humor. I saw who she was and not the frail body that she had become. I talked to her like I did every day: New funny stories, new places we should check out, new dishes to make, how to make her famous dishes for dinner that night… you know, chit chat. Once in a while we’d talk about “the good ol’ days” and she’d tell me stories about my gramma or grampa or when she was a kid. I always thought, I should really get these in a book one day…
I always thought there’d be one more day…
I miss her terribly and although I hope that the tiles I gave her on Mother’s Day told her how I felt, I don’t know for sure. She was there one day, and gone the next. I never told her goodbye or that I loved her that night, I was so sure she’d be there in the morning… same smile, same humor, same mom…
As I look at the life story guide, I am coming across questions that that I thought I knew… but didn’t know about her. Her favorite childhood memory, friend, or place. I could ask her anything. She always had the answers I needed. She was always there. And now she’s not.
Don’t wait. Record those memories - and learn from my mistake.
I love you, Mom
